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Dear Mom . . . by R. Michael Johnson, Editor, Coshocton Tribune Dear Mom, As you know, I have always had the deepest love, devotion and respect for you. I know you always did what you thought was best for me and my three sisters. That's why this letter is so hard to write. After 30some years on this earth, I have just realized that you, in fact, were not the perfect mother. As a matter of fact, it has recently come to my attention that I probably would have been better off had I been raised by the State of Ohio. As I said before, I know you did your best. But, according to the Ohio Department of Education, your best wasn't good enough. It wasn't enough that you were there for me when I was sick. It wasn't enough that you commiserated with me when my teenage sweetheart rather unceremoniously dumped me. It wasn't good enough that you taught me right from wrong and to try and treat others as I wish to be treated. The State of Ohio just told me that, in fact, you have failed as a mother. I just received a copy of the "Gradelevel Performance Objectives for Ohio's Competencybased Health and Physical Education Model Program" last week. Even though the state tells some of us this paper doesn't exist, it does. And it makes me sad to think you could have missed all this stuff while helping me grow up. I hate to say it, Mom, but had the State of Ohio raised me, I probably would have been better off. For example, if the state had raised me, before I entered kindergarten, I would have been able to "communicate about food using speech, song and stories." (I called, and the "Beans, beans, the musical fruit ... " limerick doesn't count. But you didn't teach me that, Dad did.) If the state had raised me, at the same age, I would have known "when to use the restroom." Had the state been my parent, by the time I finished first grade, I would have been able to choose, name, prepare and eat two to four nutritious foods (I) enjoy." (Once again, I called and was told that jelly beans and SpaghettiO's don't count.) When I got through the second grade, I would have had the ability to "discuss the influence of culture (e.g. traditions, food meanings and images) on food choices." Mom, it hurts me greatly that you never had the foresight to teach me the real meaning of a plum. I could probably be the publisher of the New York Times by now, had I been armed with such information. Do you remember that fight I got into in the third grade with Ted Davis because he called me a "poop head?" Well, Mom, that was your fault, too. If the state had been in charge of my upbringing, by that time, I would have been capable of choosing "positive expressions of anger, frustration and fear." Instead, I chose to smack him in the head and make an unpositive comment about his sister. Another area where you fell down on the job, Mom, was allowing me to think that certain activities would either make me go blind or grow hair on my palms. According to my new parent, the State of Ohio, in the fourth grade, I should have been able to "participate in selfselected and preferred activities." So, there. Along the same lines, in the fifth grade, I should have been able to "select a controversial healthrelated topic (tobacco, alcohol, sexual intimacy, fatty food), organize the key ideas and discuss the controversial aspects of the topic." See, in fact, that speech I made in the sixth grade about getting drunk by smoking brandysoaked cigars and eating Tbone steaks, wasn't such a bad thing after all. The state says so. By the way, Mom, if you had given up custody earlier, instead of setting four records in track and scoring 32 points in one basketball game in the seventh grade, the state says I should have been able to set nine records and score 50 points. ("The learner will demonstrate an increased measurable proficiency in selected individual and team sports.") Actually, instead of being publisher of the New York Times, I could be playing in the NBA by now, if it weren't for you holding me back. Skipping ahead to my high school years, Mom, you not only let me down, but you let about a halfdozen girls down also. If the state had raised me, by the time I was in the 10th grade, I would have been "able to name and propose alternative solutions to sexual activity." In short, instead of being a normal teenager, if the state had raised me, I would have been an intellectual, introverted, sports superstar who feels the pain suffered by bananas when they're culturally repressed. Mom, you owe the world an apology for deciding to nurture, care for and discipline me over the years. By doing so, you have deprived the entire planet of a "model" person. Your loving son, Mike This stuff is scary as hell, folks. (R. Michael Johnson is Editor of the Coshocton Tribune and writes Off the Record as a weekly Opinion Page feature. It appears on Sundays.) __________________ REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION Coshocton Tribune, 550 Main St., PO Box 10, Coshocton, Ohio 43812 e-mail: [email protected] 1-800-589-8689
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